What does it mean to feel supported? How can we expand our experiences of it? We all have the opportunity to educate others in the best ways to support us. Most of us try to ask for as little as possible, and hope that someone guesses or knows what we want or need. Instead, we can specifically let others know what feels supportive to us and our particular ways.
Independence is highly valued, and “doing things for ourselves” is thought of as a virtue. Some people have learned about the value of support through illness or aging, and are able to welcome care and attention from people in new and different ways. Others “soldier on” and just do it all alone.
Most of us carry an internal scorecard in our heads and measure how much is okay to accept, or how we will repay it.
My friend Patricia had cancer and was bald from chemotherapy in her home, with the electricity turned off, before she asked for help.
This kind of behavior is more common than not- perhaps not that dramatic, but the same core issues:
“I’m not worthy.” “Others need help more than me.” “I don’t want to be dependent.”
We are meant to feel supported by our communities, our loved ones, and by ourselves. Self-support starts with you practicing receiving more. Here’s a mantra to practice with: “Ask more and more, don’t keep score.”
See what happens if you use this. Practice asking without attachment to the answer. You’ll know you’re expanding your capacities if you feel slightly, or more than slightly uncomfortable.
This kind of practice will result in you receiving as much as giving, and multiply feelings of support and love in your life. Tell me about your experiences. I want to hear.
Hi SARK –
I’m a nurse and recently my husband is dealing with a few health issues. This is a first for him since we have been together. So as the nurse in me kicks into gear, my husband’s macho dependence pushes me away. It is quite hard for some people to accept help, especially those that are very stoic. I keep on trying to chip away at my husband’s refusal for help, it’s working, but a very slow process. I think that we all know of friends and family that are going through tough times, I think that it is important for us to keep asking if they need anything and showing that we really are here for them. I guess this is asking more & more from the other side…..but just as important. Thanks for your post, it came for my husband & I at the right time!
This was so timely for me to read. My teenage daughter has Down Syndrome. She was also born with a major cardiac abnormality and required heart surgery as an infant. She has experienced so many health and development challenges throughout her life but she is a tough little cookie whom we all admire. Just this week, our little lady has experienced seizures and it looks like the onset of Epilepsy. I has really distressed me, not actually managing the condition, but the fact that it seems so unfair for her to have yet another challenge to face. I love your comment re dancing with difficulties and celebrating gorgeous moments. I am not good at asking for help, but last night when I was feeling pretty distressed, I did reach out to some of my closest friends and received such a warm outpouring of love. Thank you SARK. Your positivity and warmth has really touched me especially today xox
Radiant Susan,
This post really hits home for me! I have such difficulty with this, that I wouldn’t even know what to ask for! Dream Boogie got me thinking about support and gave me wonderful tools to help me expand in that area, and I’m still working on it. I TOTALLY keep score in my head, and often feel as though I “owe” someone for a favor, though I’m getting better. On the flip side, I love it when people allow me to help them- it always makes me feel good, and I certainly don’t want them to feel obligated to reciprocate. “Ask more and more, don’t keep score.” I’m posting it near my computer right now- thanks!
Hi,
I recently received a “Versatile Blogger Award. Part of the fun is paying it forward to 15 other bloggers that I admire. I selected your blog because over the last year, since I launched my site and jumped feet first into blogging, I have often read your posts and found your site inspirational. I realize this is not a “huge industry award” but bloggers give a lot and often receive very little recognition. I thought you might appreciate some kudos.
You can stop by my site by clicking on this link. If you decide you want to pay it forward, please do. If not, just know that there are many people out there who love what you do!
http://www.confabulicious.com/the-verdict-is-in-i-am-clueless-and-versatile/
All the Best!
Kim Bauer
http://www.confabulicious.com
Sark,
I just watched a video of you for the first time and I am deeelighted. I feel like we just met, and I am all giddy.
Years ago I found your books which sparked my creativity, and now as a blogger myself (I tame The Blog Beast when he allows me), I am returning to a connection with you.
Saweeet.
Sending you imaginary multi-colored sprinkles!
Warmth,
Amy Martin