In my last Magic Blog, I wrote about how our minds create the movies we live in.
You can read or reread that HERE.
I received so many emails and comments of appreciation, and so many people sharing how they “change their channel” of their mind.
I wanted to write a part 2, because I also received some admonishments from people who wanted to advise me to “stop feeling sorry for myself and why don’t I try to help the world to be a better place.” And people who wanted to share that they don’t live in a good place, and that outside circumstances prevent them from seeing or experiencing the world differently.
I pay attention to both compliments and complaints, and know there are sometimes things I can learn from the latter.
I know that I often resist changing anything inside myself when I “see” something terrible. It’s as if the very sight of the terrible blocks the transmission of other more benevolent layers.
There is always so much more happening than what we can see.
It can feel all consuming to be seeing and experiencing life in the midst of a terrifying pandemic and reading someone writing about their meditative picnic as though everyone has the same privilege and access as everyone else.
And of course we don’t.
As it has been written, we are all in the same storm, but we’re not in the same boat. We are all in our own boats, perceiving the world and our experiences in our own unique ways.
I felt this keenly in childhood when my older brother who had been my best friend, began molesting me inside the home where I’d previously felt so loved and safe. My friends played the same games outside, while inside, I experienced a horrifying change to my whole life and my sense of the world.
The abuse continued throughout my childhood.
It was the ultimate kind of quarantine.
What I was seeing and experiencing daily felt life threatening to me.
I developed many ways to “change the channel” of my mind during those years- some more successfull than others- some just desperate escapes.
What I was seeing and experiencing in my home did not feel safe, magical or hope filled at all. It felt beyond hopeless.
I had to change the channel in my mind to survive. I built a world in my imagination to live in, and literally created a different world for myself to occupy.
Of course the trauma of it all caused me to disassociate from my body, and I created destructive habits and patterns that took years to disentangle from.
After a mid life suicide attempt, I began extensive therapy to really repair the damage and learn to begin my new life- one that could include everything- all the shadows and light and in between. And this work now continues every day.
This is why I live and teach in what I call the marvelous messy middle, with all the feelings in my emotional family, blending and alchemizing the wonderfull and terrible things.
So this includes too the people who judge, don’t understand or want to attack, and everyone else who lives in a movie that is very different from mine.
My choice to see differently is wholly mine.
Let me know about your experience with this too and share what might benefit others.
I created an Inner Alchemy process to help me practice alchemizing every situation and be able to mostly blend it into a brand new healing mixture.
It requires copious amounts of practice and is not a quick fix, and doesn’t always “work.” This is why I say mostly.
Because it is also important to recognize that some things just remain feeling terrible. My mentally ill older brother never transformed his drug and alcohol addictions, and died from them after years of self torture and abuse. Our family did everything we could think of to help him and to help ourselves, and it didn’t “work.”
What also happened is that tremendous understanding, love and forgiveness were generated by the whole experience, and that he had a beautifull daughter.
There is a wistfull grieving bruise in my heart about my brother Roger that will likely never go away, and I trust that what I’ve been able to alchemize about it serves others on similar journeys.
This alchemizing and blending work is not about positive thinking, a quick fix or spiritually bypassing the necessary excavations and repairs.
Much more than looking on the bright side, it’s about being willing to be and live with, the bright, dull and in between sides- I call that the marvelous messy middle, and that’s where I mostly live- in between the wonderfull and terrible things.
There are so many terrible things, and wonderfull things, and we must become alchemists to blend the two and receive the healing benefits. And then keep practicing.
I too had to live in my imagination as a child. That allowed me to become a wonderful designer in my career and kept my gentle spirit from dying from the family abuse.
It is different that positive thinking, because it feels real and true. We all have a choice of where we put our attention and I did not want to put my attention on all of the dark in the world.
(It has been my spiritual practice to walk through all kinds of horrible situations while people were judging me and hating me and I put my attention and heart in Love. I bathed there and let that flow through me. It showed in my art. It saved my life and spirit. I feel this from SARK and have never heard anyone else talk about it.
Yeah, I get a crappy feeling sometimes where someone else’s happiness just makes me cranky. I think it is wanting to be happy, wanting what someone else has, but I can’t seem to get there or know how to start on the path to having what they have – beauty, success, peace of mind…… I’m trying not to disown that part of myself either, but to stay present for the ucky parts. To hear that voice, acknowledge the hurt, and wrap my loving arms around it and ask what it needs to heal.
Thank you for sharing your insights. I’m keen to hear more about how you learnt to integrate your shadow, the terrible things. It takes a lot of courage but sometimes we don’t have a choice. If we want to go on we have to integrate. Blessings on you.