David and I have lived together now for just over a month in my home in San Francisco. The process of it becoming our home is fully underway.
Here we are flying out of Boston first class after David asked for that favor at the gate just minutes before boarding began – and surprised me with two first class tickets. My eyes were so blurry from exhaustion it took a moment to register what had actually happened.
We sat in the front row of the plane and began a conversation with 2 lovely women who had just gotten married and were flying to San Francisco for their honeymoon. We shared our love stories with each other and enjoyed many laughs throughout our flight. They spent most of the flight signing, addressing and stamping hundreds of holiday cards to send to all their friends and family.
During the flight they handed David an envelope. It was exciting to get our first Christmas card addressed to us as a couple – and from people we had just met, who simply wanted to share their love with us.
Of course, it hasn’t all been easy, and great adventures often start out with some turbulence. And you’ll notice that I’m just a tiny bit dramatic.
There ought to be an after photo of our disheveled faces 8 hours later after carrying what felt like 800 pounds of luggage up 4 flights of stairs when we arrived from the airport at 1am- and all after packing up his home that same day in Massachusetts.
When we first opened the door, I was sure that someone had shrunk my apartment by at least 50%. It seemed that this shrinking was predictive of our abilities to be happy cohabiting.
It did help tremendously that I have the Magic Cottage- a 200 square foot former tool shed downstairs, but it’s tiny and rustic and I didn’t know if David would like it enough to utilize it as a place for him to work, have alone time, and give me alone time too. I was so happy to discover that when I took him down to the cottage, his face lit up with pure joy, and he said,
“I LOVE this cottage!” (it IS magic after all) and I felt so gratefull.
My worried mind then wondered if he’d ever actually spend time there- it’s one thing to like it at first, it’s another to like it ongoingly. This felt to me like a giant metaphor about whether we’d actually be happy living together.
And of course every feeling in the world was coming up for me, all in the form of negative what IF’S. What if…………??????? These were not friendly thoughts. Bands of inner critics were also speaking, and all at the same time. It felt quite loud inside of my head. My self care practices work well- they just work after I’ve actually felt the feelings, which I was in the uncomfortable process of doing.
I worried that it felt like too big of a risk to try this, even though David had reassured me that he’d leave if it didn’t work.
My living with a lover history was slim- before my fiancé John moved in in 2012, I’d not ever lived long term with any of my many lovers. Living with John for almost 4 years became such a joy that we wrote a book about it!
Could history repeat itself? Or was John the exception to my astounding number of interior “rules?” And of course, John died in 2016, so I had that history to contend with as well.
Like many artists, I’m pretty fiercely independent and love my solitude. I’m also highly sensitive and mostly an introvert. Additionally, I work at home, writing, creating and mentoring.
Had I just ruined my life?
I barely slept that first night, and woke up to write down 83 fears that had fully arisen- fears that now could barely fit in into our living space!
David had experienced his own fears, and we started our first morning together sharing all of our new fears with each other. And then once we had shared those fears with each other, things began to change.
As David wrote in his journal that day:
“At first we had our own worlds and energy systems and it felt like we were trying to squeeze them into a finite space. And then we relaxed and all the walls went away – and (suddenly) we were just a boy and a girl who want to play.”
Being able to share ALL of my feelings with myself and then him, expanded the size of the apartment by at least 200%, and we began visioning how the space could better accommodate us both.
It seemed clear that it would involve moving a lot of furniture- both literally and figuratively.
David is as eccentric as I am, and we both enjoy having our own bedroom. The apartment has 2 bedrooms- one of which has been my art studio for 20 years. I had resolved before to move out of that room, and now that a move was imminent, promptly felt horrified and filled with irrational love for every smidgen of what was in the studio.
My original plan was to take things out of my bedroom to somehow fit my studio in there- now I didn’t see how it could possibly work.
Also, David brought up an idea of helping me go through all my bins of art and journals that have been sitting in my garage for decades. His intuition was that there was more SARK material there that the world could benefit from. But now when he brought it up again, the thought of having even MORE things to deal with registered somewhere between frustrating and completely overwhelming and infuriating.
Plus of course, where would all of that stuff go?? How could we both happily live and create and tune in to our own inspiration in this somewhat confined, though beautifull space?
I’ll write about what happened in my next blog in Part 2!
Having lost my late husband in 2011 after two years of caring for him in home hospice, then a whirlwind romance that, 9 months later had J moving in I can totally relate to your fears, misgivings, and doubts. Throw some mega guilt in there too and that was me. We are now married, after a magical steampunk wedding last February. I have to say it was one of the craziest and Best decisions I had ever made. Adventures await my dear.
Can’t wait to read Part 2, because Part 1 is fabulous. Thank you so much! xo
Oh you have really left us hanging!! You can do it! We are here to cheer you on.
Gratitude for lifting the curtain of the ‘happily ever after’ to reveal the extraordinarily complex, cathartic and courageous now.
The limp that comes as we begin walking with one foot in ‘our’ world, one foot in ‘my’ world after we find that the glass slipper fits!
This feels like a real life, wholehearted free-ing tale instead of a ‘fairy tale’. Free from expectations. Free to explore where the edges of your worlds merge. Free to love and stumble and love again.
Or perhaps it is better described as a ‘feeling’ tale. Feeling what’s real, feeling what’s rising. Feeling the love, the discomfort, the gentle state of madness and the “messy middle”. Making room for it all.
feeling tale or freeing tale, I can’t wait to read the next chapter!
A thousand blessings to you both for sharing. Your love is healing for me to witness and I’m sure I’m not alone in that. Much love.
I met Louise Hay in 1996 and shared with her how I had lost my husband. When she signed my bookmark, she wrote “Mary, Love Heals” and she drew a big purple open heart. She was right! Dear Sark, i love how you have opened your heart!!!
Haha I had the same thought as David – you are just a boy and a girl wanting to play together :). It’s never easy for those of us who cherish our space, but it’s SO worth it! XOXO
Thanks so much for sharing your magical love journey with the world! To be honest, I have been very afraid to invite a loving and intimate partner in my life. I absolutely am embracing the idea of dating the world and being in love with everyone! I am also enjoying how your relationship with David is evolving and how you are making room to love one another
Thank you for sharing your inspiring journey! It gives me courage.
Purging, as I call it, is truly an important process that needs to happen regularly, and certainly during times of transition. It means clearing more than physical space, it’s about clearing mental space too. Moving is a pain but it presents a precious opportunity to clear for growth.
Most of all, it’s reassuring to hear from another human all the floods of feelings that can occur when impinged upon even by a human we love.
Yay how exciting! I love how he asked for first class and got it. My heart is singing for you. You are my favorite Author and Artist because you truly share your heart. You even respond to us personally from time to time. My heart still sings when I remember you commenting to me on FB. Bless your new love!
Brave! You are shedding and gaining ( growing) at once! Just like a burtterfly! I anxious of your adventure and look forward to reading Part 2 ! Breathe!