Why Limit Happy To An Hour?

Why Limit Happy To An Hour?

One of the greatest blessings of loving and being loved by David, is that I am privileged to love and be loved by his family as well.

This is a napkin that his mom used for her birthday party, and of course, the message on it delights me- and I thought it would delight you too.

I love finding more ways to expand happiness, and you probably know that I practice doing that everywhere- even at the dentist, in traffic jams, or in line at the post office. It’s all part of my “marvelous messy middle” way of being.

David and I are on our way to spend a week with his parents at their home in the Caribbean, for our 5th spiritual honeymoon, and our 8 month anniversary together.

We are loving living life together in San Francisco, and are creating all sorts of fresh systems and lovely traditions together, as well as shape shifting our home at the speed of love.

I was going to title this “Love defrosts the freezer and lets in the light”, because we defrosted the freezer (I know, it’s an older freezer;-) and David uncovered a light in the back of the built in refrigerator I hadn’t known was there for 23 years! I now hear angels singing when I open the door.

We are laughing with chaos, we are cooking healthy delicious food, and we are creating all kinds of wonderfull new things to share with the world.

Here’s what our living room looked like last weekend after I taught one of my online video reTREATS- I love offering these powerfully magical gatherings and am already planning the next one for the spring.


And here we are with our dear friend Jennifer joyfully visiting us. Laughter and play are part of how we expand happiness, how do you? LET ME KNOW!



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Love Moves All the Furniture/Part 2

Love Moves All the Furniture/Part 2

My beloved David moved in about a month ago and you can read about that in Love Moves All the Furniture in part 1 here:

I had wondered in part 1, if I had ruined my life, if I could actually open my heart again to share it, and my life and my home, happily with another soul.

I’m glad to say that I can, I am, and I’m feeling happier and more creative than ever— and that’s a bold statement!

I’m committed to living a life that’s full of adventure, color and movement, joy, and love- and I insist on doing that from the “marvelous messy middle” with ALL of the feelings in my emotional family.
Here we are on screen in my online virtual world – a marvelous membership called Succulent Wild World, when David dropped by to offer a prayer for all of us.

In my experience, I had to feel all my feelings first- including wondering if I had “ruined my life”- in order to discover and feel that I hadn’t.

Thank you ALL for your wise and wonderful comments. I love and appreciate them! Here are some favorites:

“I love that after you and David shared your fears, your apartment expanded exponentially!! This leaves me pondering the power of vulnerability and love to transform outside the scope of our rational minds. Pure magic! Pure life! Love to you and to David.”

“Gratitude for lifting the curtain of the ‘happily ever after’ to reveal the extraordinarily complex, cathartic and courageous now. This feels like a real life, wholehearted free-ing tale instead of a ‘fairytale’. Free from expectations. Free to explore where the edges of your worlds merge. Free to love and stumble and love again. A thousand blessings to you both for sharing. Your love is healing for me to witness and I’m sure I’m not alone in that. Much love”

“Ha ha I had the same thoughts as David- you’re just a boy and a girl wanting to play together :). It’s never easy for those of us who cherish our space, but it’s SO worth it!”

“Thanks so much for sharing your magical love journey with the world! To be honest, I have been very afraid to invite a loving and intimate partner in my life. I absolutely am embracing the idea of dating the world and being in love with everyone! I am also enjoying how your relationship with David is evolving and how you are making room to love one another.”

“Thank you for sharing your inspiring journey! It gives me courage.” Mary For me, writing and sharing about my life helps me to live my life even more fully, and feel it more deeply. Your comments are opportunities for me to learn from your experiences and feelings, and feel connected to the collective consciousness. It’s like we’re all having a great big interactive conversation about authenticity, intimacy, love, and community, and I revel in the combined constellation of us all. “We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect” Anais Nin

And I also write to share what I’ve learned, experienced and am learning. My intention is for others to benefit from my experience, lessons and insights. I wrote and write all my books for me first- to discover how I felt, and then share them to connect with, or illuminate other souls.

Thanks for being one of those connected and illuminated souls.

SO…….. how did I “get happy” sharing my home and life with David??

I have a 2 bedroom home and a Magic Cottage next door to each other in San Francisco, where I’ve lived primarily by myself by choice for over 25 years. My fiancé John was the exception to that and I loved living with him for almost 4 years until he died in 2016. One of the many gifts of his death, was that I learned so much from both him, and the world, about loving and being loved.

Love itself is the supreme teacher, and brings up everything unlike itself, so after that experience I vowed to never live with anyone again. I feared that all my feelings about the loss of John were too immense to experience ever ever again.

I decided instead that I would date the world, and wrote about that too. I had discovered that my strongest healing route was to “grieve deeply and live wildly,” and accept all the succulence the world has to offer. Or as my brother Andrew said when I wondered how I could ever allow myself to be happy again,
“Oh Susan, just get into the elevator and push all the buttons.”

David arrived into my life last May on my Inspiration phone line, (415 546 3742 freely offered 24 hours a day) being drawn to my having written about dating the world, and loving that about me. He shared that he loved living that way too.

We immediately began communicating deeply and vulnerably and became very close friends before we actually met in person 4 months later. During our conversations, we developed wonderfull habits of praying and meditating together almost every day.

In those months of talking and sharing, we shared the all of allness of ourselves, and David listened well. He welcomed all my feelings and encouraged me to share them all in detail- and he shared his fears too.

That emotional foundation is why I could “move all my furniture,” and move out of the art studio I had used for over 20 years in order to make room for David to have his own room, as well as room in my life.

That emotional foundation also allowed me to feel confident that when negative emotions came up, we as a team would work together creatively to create joyfull solutions together. That’s an important part of my feeling safe in sharing my fears and vulnerabilities with David, and hearing his.

Moving out of my art studio was the kind of substantial physical change I hadn’t been ready to make with John. As close as I’d been with John and as much as I loved him, we had kept all the furniture in place. Bless John for knowing that that’s what I needed at that time, and being someone who could live so gladly with that. I had offered to make changes, and he thought we should wait. The love I shared with him helped me to become the person today who can open up to new love- which is in fact, what he told me would happen.

I knew that David would thrive with his own bedroom, and that I would too- I just didn’t see how it could happen. My art studio held my chaise lounge, my art table and all of the various cabinets, shelves, bookcases and art STUFF.

It also held space for all of my feelings, and the spaciousness that I felt were necessary for my being able to create and live happily. I treasured the inner happiness and spaciousness I had experienced with David in Massachusetts, and intended to create more of that together in San Francisco if we could.

So, we arrived together on Dec 8 to begin our 4th “spiritual honeymoon” — I had flown to Massachusetts once each month in September, October, and November—and the grand adventure of living together.

I’d explained to David that I would be working for the first 2 weeks of his living here, and we wouldn’t be able to move anything yet, and he happily agreed.

I’d then wisely scheduled 3 weeks off from work to start and complete the transformational moving process. I knew it would involve sorting, recycling and donating many things.

I want to acknowledge here the privilege I have to even have stuff, and to have the time off from work to sort through it. I lived for many years without any of that, and know that many other people don’t have the time or resources to donate, repurpose, or relocate their stuff.

I grew up with parents who over accumulated “stuff,” so I had experienced first hand, how out of control “stuff” can get. I’m glad that I chose differently in my life.

I’m also so glad to say that David and I kept focusing on creating joyfull solutions- which go beyond compromise- to create two rooms that are much better than what I had before! I would never have believed this could happen at the start.

Many years ago, I created a method called MicroMOVEments- and we used those throughout the whole process. It helped us complete everything easily without getting overwhelmed.

David loves his room too. And now that I moved things around in my bedroom I have a perfect spot for my art table right in front of my bay windows. Somehow my chaise lounge fits perfectly, along with my cabinets, bookcases and all my art supplies too!

Now after rearranging my home I find that I’m creating brand new art and writing! And I feel even MORE INSPIRED to create and share more with the world. Living with and loving David feels like being with myself ONLY BETTER.

David’s love, willingness and flexibility were such a profound gift as I deconstructed and reconstructed the spaces with his help.

And of course it was all about more than the stuff or the rooms, or anything material. It was all about the heart and the spirit and the spaces that love makes inside the heart. I continue to be amazed and delighted at how magically love moves when we yield to its power and flow. I’ll be sharing more about that with you too as we journey along~



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Love Moves All the Furniture/Part 1

Love Moves All the Furniture/Part 1

David and I have lived together now for just over a month in my home in San Francisco. The process of it becoming our home is fully underway.

Here we are flying out of Boston first class after David asked for that favor at the gate just minutes before boarding began – and surprised me with two first class tickets. My eyes were so blurry from exhaustion it took a moment to register what had actually happened.

We sat in the front row of the plane and began a conversation with 2 lovely women who had just gotten married and were flying to San Francisco for their honeymoon. We shared our love stories with each other and enjoyed many laughs throughout our flight. They spent most of the flight signing, addressing and stamping hundreds of holiday cards to send to all their friends and family.

During the flight they handed David an envelope. It was exciting to get our first Christmas card addressed to us as a couple – and from people we had just met, who simply wanted to share their love with us.

Of course, it hasn’t all been easy, and great adventures often start out with some turbulence. And you’ll notice that I’m just a tiny bit dramatic. 

There ought to be an after photo of our disheveled faces 8 hours later after carrying what felt like 800 pounds of luggage up 4 flights of stairs when we arrived from the airport at 1am- and all after packing up his home that same day in Massachusetts.

When we first opened the door, I was sure that someone had shrunk my apartment by at least 50%. It seemed that this shrinking was predictive of our abilities to be happy cohabiting.

It did help tremendously that I have the Magic Cottage- a 200 square foot former tool shed downstairs, but it’s tiny and rustic and I didn’t know if David would like it enough to utilize it as a place for him to work, have alone time, and give me alone time too. I was so happy to discover that when I took him down to the cottage, his face lit up with pure joy, and he said,

“I LOVE this cottage!” (it IS magic after all) and I felt so gratefull.

My worried mind then wondered if he’d ever actually spend time there- it’s one thing to like it at first, it’s another to like it ongoingly. This felt to me like a giant metaphor about whether we’d actually be happy living together.

And of course every feeling in the world was coming up for me, all in the form of negative what IF’S. What if…………??????? These were not friendly thoughts. Bands of inner critics were also speaking, and all at the same time. It felt quite loud inside of my head. My self care practices work well- they just work after I’ve actually felt the feelings, which I was in the uncomfortable process of doing.

I worried that it felt like too big of a risk to try this, even though David had reassured me that he’d leave if it didn’t work.

My living with a lover history was slim- before my fiancé John moved in in 2012, I’d not ever lived long term with any of my many lovers. Living with John for almost 4 years became such a joy that we wrote a book about it!

Could history repeat itself? Or was John the exception to my astounding number of interior “rules?” And of course, John died in 2016, so I had that history to contend with as well.

Like many artists, I’m pretty fiercely independent and love my solitude. I’m also highly sensitive and mostly an introvert. Additionally, I work at home, writing, creating and mentoring.

Had I just ruined my life?

I barely slept that first night, and woke up to write down 83 fears that had fully arisen- fears that now could barely fit in into our living space!

David had experienced his own fears, and we started our first morning together sharing all of our new fears with each other.  And then once we had shared those fears with each other, things began to change.

As David wrote in his journal that day:

“At first we had our own worlds and energy systems and it felt like we were trying to squeeze them into a finite space. And then we relaxed and all the walls went away – and (suddenly) we were just a boy and a girl who want to play.”

Being able to share ALL of my feelings with myself and then him, expanded the size of the apartment by at least 200%, and we began visioning how the space could better accommodate us both.

It seemed clear that it would involve moving a lot of furniture- both literally and figuratively.

David is as eccentric as I am, and we both enjoy having our own bedroom. The apartment has 2 bedrooms- one of which has been my art studio for 20 years. I had resolved before to move out of that room, and now that a move was imminent, promptly felt horrified and filled with irrational love for every smidgen of what was in the studio.

My original plan was to take things out of my bedroom to somehow fit my studio in there- now I didn’t see how it could possibly work.

Also, David brought up an idea of helping me go through all my bins of art and journals that have been sitting in my garage for decades. His intuition was that there was more SARK material there that the world could benefit from. But now when he brought it up again, the thought of having even MORE things to deal with registered somewhere between frustrating and completely overwhelming and infuriating.

Plus of course, where would all of that stuff go?? How could we both happily live and create and tune in to our own inspiration in this somewhat confined, though beautifull space?

I’ll write about what happened in my next blog in Part 2!



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Thank you to everyone following our love journey and adding your wonderfull wisdom to our lives.

Last weekend I helped David move out of his lake home in Massachusetts and in with me in San Francisco. I could write a lot all about all the hilarious and sobering practical aspects of sharing a smaller space, and revising rooms as well as the shock of blending lives in the material world after just 7 months of knowing each other.

Instead I’m writing to you now about how MUCH the heart holds and how well loved we both feel and are, and how glad I am that I said YES, and keep saying yes to this marvelous messy middle love adventure.

Since we are made of stardust, then I am the whole galaxy dancing.

I am sending this love to you all- in whatever forms love takes for you~
I wrote a short tribute to David & to Love, and you can read it below. Let me know how love is moving in your life, and who and what you’re appreciating right now.

A Tribute to David + to Love

Thank you for:

Eagerly asking to hear my fears and feelings every day, and then deeply listening and helping me to alchemize them

Openly sharing your fears and allowing me to help you alchemize them, and exclaiming in the middle of our process, “Oh no! Someone is witnessing my insanity!”

Being exquisitely kind to me even when I’m feeling crabby- and trusting my general buoyancy when I assess that I’m less than my best

Finding my “less than my best” pretty great and meeting my authentic self with love every time

Commandeering my cell phone when I got overwhelmed by texts from my friends about plans for socializing with them. And knowing me well enough to communicate on my behalf, and making simple and perfect decisions about our time and availability

Intimately knowing my soul and reflecting it back to me so eloquently

Patiently adapting to my unique schedule and lifestyle, all while maintaining your strong connection to God and your amazing creativity

Praying, meditating, breathing, cooking, romancing, laughing, creating, lovemaking, singing, dancing, crying, and alchemizing extensively- and doing it all with grace and presence

Holding me while I cry

Helping me to invent my new life while we are living it together

Marveling at my creations and studying what most nourishes my creative life

Activating the deepest laughter I’ve ever experienced

Creating space for me to continue grieving and loving non physical John too

Living a REAL LIFE honeymoon with me every day

Thank you for being you, with me being me. Thank you to infinity and then back again.

And thank you to all of our friends and family, who called, texted, showed up, beamed in, and surrounded us with love, practical help and support- we appreciate it and YOU!



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Another Kind of Love Story

Another Kind of Love Story

In my practice of dating the world and expanding my love capacities, I’ve met so many inspirational people living incredibly loving lives. In the upcoming weeks I’m going to share some unconventional portraits of love with you.

David and I likely wouldn’t have met without the love and vision of Tashina Suzuki, a wonderfull artist living in Portland, Oregon.

Tashina excitedly told David 8 years ago,
“There’s a female version of you, and her name is SARK, and she has an amazing Inspiration Line that you are going to love. You need to call it.”

And so he did. And he left me a message thanking me for being me.

I never got the message. There are hundreds of messages each month, and although I happily listen to them, sometimes I miss one along the way.

David immediately called Tashina, excited to have found someone on his wavelength. And he has been calling my line for the past 8 years, and as he said, “happy and grateful to know that there is someone else in the world with such a similar method of inspiring others to love, laugh, express and heal.”

Thankfully David read my post in May called “I’m Dating the World” and decided to leave me another message on the Inspiration Line. This one I heard!

If you haven’t read all about that, you can find it on my Magic Blog, Love Comes Again Parts 1 & 2 as well as a more recent one about how Love Moves IN. 

David and I called Tashina together a few months ago, to thank her for bringing us together.

She is a SARK appreciator, and had come to see me at a book event decades ago in Los Angeles. The photo of us is from that book event, where I met her and her darling dog.

When she answered the phone I exclaimed, “Tashina, thank you FOREVER for bringing me this magnificent man.”

Tashina replied, “Thank you, but you’re the person who made it happen. Because you write so openly about your life, I felt as if I knew you personally. So I KNEW he was a match for you.”

This is a great reminder for all of us, and especially writers and artists, and for anyone reading this now, who may feel unsure of whether to share themselves vulnerably with their friends, their family, or even the world. It’s by letting people know who we REALLY are that we are able to be met by the fullness of others, and to love and be loved. Our authenticity and vulnerability are not just gifts for ourselves, but also for the world.

Tashina creates her life and love creating art in Portland, and you can see it here at:

I invite everyone to get to know this wonderfull artist, so you can be inspired by the way she lives her life, as well as the remarkable art that she produces.

Meanwhile, David & I are being authentic and vulnerable together – as we prepare to move in together in San Francisco this month. I’m in Massachusetts with him now, helping him pack up his house.

Here we are at the Boston airport last week. I’m loving him and my “marvelous messy middle”hair.

How are you making choices to be able to experience more love in your life? If you’d like some support and inspiration from me about how to feel even more love, I’ll be on Facebook Live this week Thu/6 at 11am Pacific, 2pm Eastern, wearing my “visioning” hat, and talking about more ways for you to do just that. Bring some markers if you can, we’ll be playing together.. You can register and receive reminders easily at the link below!

Register Here




Happy Thanks Grieving While Wildly Living

Happy Thanks Grieving While Wildly Living

As you know, when we focus on gratitude, more gratitude can arrive.

I also want to recognize the many people who have been going through challenging times, who feel confused, alone, lost, or scared in the world today. And of course this is all of us at one time or another.

I want to share my love and transcendent wishes for people to deeply grieve while wildly living. I see them working together to move us forward like bird wings- and I offer this to us all as we live and alchemize the terrible and wonderfull things into a brand new mixture to use for healing.

Here’s a VERY partial list of my recipients.

I am sending love and transcendent wishes to:

  • All affected by wildfires, earthquakes, hurricanes and other planetary expressions

  • All experiencing inner critics without supervision

  • All who feel unlovable or unloved

  • All concerned, conflicted, despairing,  frustrated or fed up with political outcomes

  • All who rise for social justice and keep rising

  • All who know that the political is the personal

  • All who go beyond the personal to a mighty vision for change

  • All who think they can’t

  • All who feel ignored, repressed, closed out, treated unkindly or unfairly

  • All who experience racism

  • All unaware of their racism

  • All educating themselves and others about privilege, racism, and the immense necessary healings

  • All who are other gendered

  • All who judge

  • All who feel and are judged unfairly

  • All who are feeling suicidal

  • All who are hiding

  • All who are ill in any form

  • All disconnected from their wisdom and power

  • All who fear

  • All who fear fear

  • All who deny, resist, avoid and repress their feelings

  • All who refuse to face facts

  • All who struggle against great obstacles to build a better world

  • All who quit because of fear, doubt or worry

  • All who cry alone

  • All who try to stop or apologize for their tears

  • All who experience violence from the hands or guns of another

  • All who feel forgotten, misunderstood, or unseen

  • All who wonder why they’re here

  • All who know why they’re here and yet sometimes despair at the time it will take to transform themselves and the world

  • All who live and love in the marvelous messy middle of life

All BEings
All ways
All the time.



I am extremely appreciative of our loving community and I will be gratefull if you would add any others to my partial list in comments below.

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Love is Moving IN

Love is Moving IN

Thank you for asking me to share my love journey and adventures with you- it inspires me immensely as I travel along, and your heart sharings and comments move my soul.

If you missed Love Comes Again Parts 1 & 2,  which tell about the incredible way we met and how David and I got to where we are today, you can read them here on my Magic Blog, which I’m loving writing again: www.planetsark.com/magicblog

When I met David 6 months ago, I didn’t imagine that I would consider living with him, and in fact, I had declared that I wouldn’t live with a lover again after the pain I felt when my fiancé John died 2 1/2 years ago.

I think the Universe didn’t hear me say I wouldn’t…… and only heard me say “live with a lover again.” The Universe is funny that way.

David lives in Massachusetts, and had planned to move back to California since last year. He had been a long time resident of California, and had returned to Massachusetts a few years ago to help with the family business, and spend time with his grandmother, who was also his dear friend. She died at 104, 3 weeks before he met me.

And since I communicate with people who are non physical- she appeared in my dream right after we met and confidently said to me, “I know you’ll love my grandson so well.”

And I am.

So now we are about to embark on a further version  of our real life love story.

John is cheering us on, and reminds me that he moved in with me a month after we met, and the almost 4 years we lived together were so incredibly happy.

In fact we were so happy, we wrote a book about it!

Now, here comes David, who arrived as a fully formed, totally qualified soulmate- to join me in creating a new love story together in San Francisco.

He’s arriving in early December, with his portable electric piano, his journals and some clothes, and putting the rest into storage as we explore and experiment with sharing space- living and creating together.

It’s exciting for both of us to be able to live and love in the same home, let alone the same coast. Our love has grown for 6 months from 3,000 miles away, and we have patiently and mindfully built a connection and trust that amazes and delights both of us.

Do I have fears?


I shared my long list of fears with David, who loves to hear all my feelings. Through our honest and deep communications we alchemized most of them, and are loving the rest- I’m secretly not as loving of some of them- as David is.

We’ve spoken with our close friends and family about this move and have all of their support. We recognize the challenges as well as the benefits and are committed to exploring both.

And of course David has fears too, and shares those with me, and I’m so glad- I grew up in a family where we tried to squish our fears and hide them under all the rugs, and then they came leaping out in the night.

Do I have dreams and desires?


I’ve shared my dreams and desires and they just love multiplying and expanding when they hear themselves named…….

John and I didn’t just write a book about our love, we wrote a book about how to have more love more often.

I thought it would be fun to invite you to journey along with us as David and I live the pages of this book. When David asked which book that I’ve written would help us the most in our relationship, I instantly said “Succulent Wild Love.”

That book contains my whole soul about love, with innovative practices like Joyfull Solutions, Love Translations and MicroTruth Telling, as well as stories about what didn’t work, and what works better.

It’s not only for couples or romantic love- it’s a whole new philosophy of love and relationships for everyone.  It’s available as a hard copy or in digital on Amazon, but I’m also making the digital version available on my website now, and at a discounted rate for my readers.

Use this discount code: LOVEMOVES to get a 20% discount on my digital version of Succulent Wild Love! www.planetsark.com/SucculentWildLove

It’s in full color with hundreds of pieces of my original art, and it’s been used by therapists in relationship counseling to benefit many couples, and people hoping to invite new love into their lives.

David and I plan to read the book together- he hasn’t read a SARK book yet! Well, except parts of Succulent Wild Woman, after he discovered that his mom had been given a copy by her friends.

I found out that she hadn’t read it yet and asked David to borrow it back so that she could at least meet me before she read it.

I’m proud that it’s so revealing and vulnerable, but it’s not necessarily the book you want your lover’s mom to read before she even knows you at all.

Now that she and I have met and love each other, I autographed a copy of Succulent Wild Woman for her last week.

What will become of David and me in this new live IN love adventure? I’m sure we’ll love each other along the way, and I plan to write all about it.

David might write about it too, and when one of my friends asked him if he would write about what it’s like to love SARK up close, he replied,

“I would, except I’m in love with Susan.”

Let me know what inspires you about love, and any encouraging words for us as we move forward. Join me in adding more to my dreams and desires- thank you!




P.s. Don’t forget your discount code to purchase my digital Succulent Wild Love book here: LOVEMOVES to receive a 20% discount!


Very Open To Energetic Shifts

Very Open To Energetic Shifts

This spells VOTES.

Tue/6 November in the United States of America.

She, he and them that vote are asking for change. BE the change that you want to have. Especially if you secretly don’t “believe in voting.”

We are picking up the stick of change and carrying it.

We ask, we ask again, we ask differently.

We ask even when the evidence is grim.


We ask when we are tired of hearing, knowing or seeing things in desperate disarray.

We ask when we are certain.

We ask when feel hopeless.

We are asking by acting.

We are continuing.

I just heard this definition of HOPE:

Or maybe

And let us take ACTION with our prayers.

“Let us fall in love again and scatter gold dust all over the world. Let us become a new spring and feel the breeze drift in heaven’s scent. Let us dress the earth in green and like the sap of a young tree let the grace from within us sustain us. Let us carve gems out of our stony hearts and let them light our path to Love. The glance of Love is crystal clear and we are blessed by its light.” ~Rumi



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Thank you for so joyfully witnessing and celebrating my new quantum love union with David, and sharing your love and insights.

You can read Parts 1 & 2 of Love Comes Again here if you didn’t see them.

As we complete our second in person spiritual honeymoon, I’m contemplating the nature of love and of loving.

When I met David in May, I was Dating the World. Now I feel I’m dating the world with David, and we are multiplying the vibrations of love exponentially, as we all are- in our individual and collective love realms.


David and I drove to Vermont this week so that I could meet his parents. We spent several magical days together and experienced so much love! It was a movable festival of love, and included all of us being REAL with our love too. I even read his parents some of your responses to my last post. They were deeply moved and felt a strong connection to all of you.

Thank you for noticing and reflecting back that I share the hard and scary parts of love also- I’ve done that all-ways and will always do it!

Love isn’t concerned with being fluffy and good looking- love moves endlessly on in indelible waves of wonderment, and I am astonished by its endless surging onward.

After John physically departed, I thought that love left with him. It seemed to me that love resided where John abided, and that there must certainly be less love available for me after his departure.

Here’s something I wrote about 3 months after John left. When I reread it now, I’m reminded that we cannot know, from inside any cavern of pain or transformational cauldron, how much love is available, and that no matter what has happened, or will ever happen to us. And that yes, he left- and that Love Comes Again and Again and Again- to infinity- for us all.

Let us hold that knowledge close and intimate as we continue to lose and find love in new places and ways.

June 2016
There Must Certainly Be Less Loving

There are terrible moments and hours and parts of days

When every object has a story

Of loss.

There is a shrieking on the inside of me that no one can see

I wonder how they can leave me alone.

I am not only grieving

I am grudgingly and microscopically moving to the awareness that

He died.

He actually died and left.

I opened my heart and he walked right through it to some other place

That I can’t get to.

He exploded into countless pieces, disappearing gradually over many months of unknowing.

I am afraid of what this is doing to me, what places may be hardening or growing rigid.

I am afraid for my life.

I am afraid of the continuous nature of his death in the face of my life

I assured him that I would be alright

I take it back.

I travel through rage and immobilizing guilt and high states of relief and freedom

I worry that I won’t be able to create a new life after this.

I am afraid that all the love left with him.

Or what I will create will not be as good as what I had.

I am afraid of what I will find as I travel to the new places I am going

How can I ever feel that this was a good thing?

I’ll never be able to hear from him again in the familiar physical ways we had

This is sinking in

I am sinking.

My stamina is on crooked

I can’t find my certainty

All the tears in the world can’t put him back together again

It’s really dawning on me that he’s really really not coming back.

I invite you to share any of my words with anyone you feel might benefit. May we all share fully and deeply with each other and the world, and in this way, help love move forward endlessly.




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Love is A Mighty Muscle

Love is A Mighty Muscle

I’ve just returned from spiritual honeymoon #2 with David, and am feeling more filled up with love than ever.

I’m also feeling more afraid of love than ever. I’m afraid of losing this incredible love, now that I’ve found it.

I’m sure this fear is to be expected, having experienced my fiancé John dying in my arms 2 1/2 years ago. How dare I return to love and loving again after THAT?

And what if THAT happens again? Which of course death WILL, one day- to both of us.

And of course this loving relationship could also end because one or both of us needs it to- for some unknowable to us now- reason or reasons.


It’s all SO RISKY.

Yet love moves on, like life does- growing, unfolding and calling us forward- in the midst of it all. And even when we’re afraid.

And how can I feel both of these- wanting love and fearing love- so fully?

I believe it is because we DO contain multitudes- and all of these multitudes are made up of love- in one form or another.

Love is a mighty muscle, and I’m choosing to practice strengthening it every day.

I met David’s parents and family on this trip, and it was a complete love festival- I’m honoring their privacy by not sharing photos of us- and picture this: deep resonant talks and soul sharing, mutual appreciating of David, and being welcomed heartFULLY into their family, and of course a lot of laughter born of kindred spirits.

I’m feeling so incredibly blessed by all of this new love flowing in.

While David and I were walking in the woods in Vermont, I slipped and fell down really hard on a wooden bridge that was covered in leaves after it had rained, making it extremely slippery.

I had cracked my elbow and burst into tears, and laid there trying to assess the damage. David leaned over me asking what he could do, and I replied, “Just let me lie here until I see how bad it is.”

He listened intently and then sank to the ground on the wet bridge and laid down next to me, and held my hand.
It was a complete offering of love, and exactly what I needed.

We laid there for a few moments, then rose up and thankfully I was completely fine. And after applying topical homeopathic Arnica to my elbow every 10 minutes, we were glad to discover that I experienced no bruising, swelling or pain. Arnica supports my mighty love muscles:-) in addition to David.

Experiencing this kind of soul union with David is such a beatific blessing of love.
This multiplying of love and adventurous journey is now my honor and privilege to share with you, and with the world.

Spiritual honeymoon #3 is planned for December at my home in San Francisco, and I’ll be sharing that with you too.

Let me know how love is growing and multiplying or being nurtured in your life- I’ll love to read about it.

And if you’re feeling any lack of love, please accept a lavish offering of love from me right now.

I found a powerfull journal entry from July 2016 about how mightily love goes on- I wrote it just 5 months after John left.

Here I am in November of 2018, mightily in love and loving life with David, looking back at how I allowed love IN again after such a tremendous loss. I’m so inspired by the capacity of the human heart, and of love itself, and for you, my dear loving readers, whose comments of love, appreciation, and support truly illuminate my heart.


July 2016

I’ve realized in these last 5 months that I am living a lot of people’s worst fear.

My beloved fiancé died.

I am here to say that it’s the most horrifying despair filled thing I have ever experienced, and it’s still happening as I navigate my grief journey.

Yet I want to also say that it’s not that bad. That might sound crazy based on the sentences I just wrote before this.

Let me explain.

This was one of my worst fears my whole life- what if I ever truly loved someone and then they just died? My other big fear was that they would need me to take care of them, and that I wouldn’t be able to, or want to. I was the primary caregiver for John for 9 months, and he died in my arms.

John, (and angelic others) helped me live through both of my absolute worst fears, and he loved me all the way through, as I loved him. This has changed me forever.

I also now know that his death was perfect-for him.

Not my preference at all. I would have done just about anything to save him. Until I finally learned that he didn’t need saving- his spiritual journey was about releasing his body, not keeping it.

I thought previously that if something like this illness and death ever happened to me and to someone I loved, that it would be like an unrelenting slab of endless pain crushing me constantly.

It both was and is not.

It is a giant mystery wrapped in an infinite number of enigmas.

It is a seemingly simple equation.
There were 2 and now there is 1.
Because I contain multitudes and so does John, the actual equation is much more interesting.

The nature of love multiplies beyond counting- especially when we allow it.

Who I am now, is exponentially greater and more love filled since the physical loss of John.
This loss is not diminishing my light, it is refilling it beyond anything I ever imagined.

I’m communicating with John daily in the spiritual realms, and I’m learning his vibrational language more and more.
What I thought was the “unrelenting slab of endless pain crushing me constantly” is much more varied and full of life than I previously knew.

There are feelings of relief, great humor, indelible kindness, exquisite tenderness, mixed in with despair, self torturing thoughts, pure physical missing, wailing in the bathtub, falling to the ground in agony and living with the physical absence of him in every instant.

And still, it’s not that bad.
There’s so much love and life beyond the loss.
Because of the expanded love I feel, I’m grieving deeply and living wildly both- like bird wings. This has filled me up with pure love beyond understanding.

I really thought that I might just die when John died, and in some ways I did.
I died to the majority of the unhealthy ways I’d previously been working, in addition to avoiding conflict and eating too much sugar to try to sedate my feelings. I died to sacrificing and compromising in ways that I hadn’t even recognized before John got sick.

I lived to “get happier than I’ve ever been” which John directed me to do when I asked him how I could possibly go on without him.

I lived to allow the possibility of love to bloom again in my life, which John also radiantly urged me to do.
I lived for a new way of working which feels so incredibly nourishing. I lived to be even more of myself than I ever was, and to be even more life loving than EVER.

I lived to experience love way way beyond the physical realm and communicate about it to others.
I’ve always been someone who “saw” what others didn’t, and John is further changing all my paradigms. I’m called to share with other kindred spirits who might resonate. It’s okay with me if you don’t. I’m used to being thought of as unusual;-)

I do feel immeasurably sad that John died. I also feel certain that it’s not a sad ending to a happy love story- it’s a living love story still being written and lived full out, as John did and does- now from his interdimensional playground.

I’m living and loving life more fully and deeply because of this loss, instead of despite it.

I’ve had so many experiences of John’s beyond the physical communications to me- here’s a recent one:
He asked me if I’d like to know what he looks like now, and I replied that I would. He told me to go to my weather app on my phone and there would be an image there. When I opened the app, the weather information had been erased, and the image with this post is what remained- John in his new “look.”

I’m smitten.

Here’s to all of us living and loving in the midst of destruction and fears, moving forward in faith- which is the willingness to move without proof- and find ourselves faithfully loving all-ways.



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