So many of you have encouraged me to continue writing about my new (although now 9 months old) love relationship with David- thank you so much for reading along with me. Your reading and interactions inspire me and my writing.
My intention is that my words inspire, uplift and provide love to you, amidst shared joys and marvelous messy middle resonances. I absolutely love sharing my life journey, and have in all my books and writings throughout the years, and will continue doing so!
As you may know, David moved in with me in December, and we began the process of turning it from my home into our home- and what a juicy, fun, micro truth telling, joyfull solution creating process it usually is!
David and I went on our 5th spiritual honeymoon in February, when we vacationed for a week with his parents in the Caribbean.
After we returned home to San Francisco from that trip, we both got sick, so we laughingly renamed the 6th honeymoon the “sick honeymoon.”
As I lurched around the house, eyes half open and hair a bit matted, I felt more and more myself with David being there too- all pretense and “impression management” thankfully having (mostly) fallen away.
As he drove me to and from acupuncture, bought the food, cooked the food and did the dishes, and all household things, I leaned back to receive, and disconnected (mostly) the incessant internal scorecard that usually dictates how much I will allow someone to give to me- because how will I pay them back? And if I can’t pay them back, I might (horror of horrors) feel that I owe them, or be indebted to them. And then they could have some kind of control.
I’ve been much more comfortable giving, so that I can feel “in control.” Even though I know it’s all an illusion- and all part of the healing from earlier traumas. I’m practicing receiving more often now, and it can sometimes feel uncomfortable.
Of course all giving and receiving is meant to be like the infinity symbol, one merging into another and all accounting done for the we and not the “me.”
I noticed gladly too that David took good care of himself in the middle of taking care of me. He also had fewer symptoms, which we both felt really glad about.
Having been plucked from my glorious daily routines of beach walks, seeing friends and working, I finally let myself be in a kind of surrendered cocoon. Once I gave up trying to “do” anything, I had the luxury to just be sick and feel all there was to feel. Feelings need attention always, but especially during times of illness.
Throughout my life, my feelings have always been affected by what I ate, and I had often over indulged in eating sugar when I was sick, as a kind of comfort or reward.
I had long known that sugar was detrimental to me, and had tried many many many times to let go of it- but without success.
In 2015, when my fiancé John was suddenly diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 cancer, I decided it was time for me to take better care of my health and let go of eating refined sugar.
I simply couldn’t eat sugar moderately. Even when I rationed the amounts and ate “healthy” versions of snacks or desserts, I found myself consumed with thoughts of the next serving. When I would eat sugar, it provided an immediate “high,” accompanied by a low feeling after, then a kind of recovery process, with my body trying to restabilize my blood sugar and feel good again- until the next sugar consumption.
It was a classic vicious cycle, and I don’t like anything vicious!
John’s health experience and physical death inspired me to let go of it for good.
I decided that it would be one of his many gifts to me. And John was so supportive about it of course.
And I did it.
It’s been almost 4 years now, and I don’t ever plan to go back.
David encouraged me to share about this, in case there are others who would like to change their relationship to sugar. Shortly after David and I met, he showed me a sign that he’d made for himself that said,
“I LOVE LETTING GO!”
He commented that he saw me as someone who loves letting go. This shocked me, as I’d always thought of myself as someone who primarily loves to hold on. But the more I reflected on this, the more I saw ways that I do love letting go, and letting go of eating sugar was a big one.
I also recognized that I had been trying to get love or sweetness from sugar or “treats”, so I began experimenting with giving myself that love and sweetness in ways that didn’t involve food– through extensive self hugging, innovative affirmations, and spontaneous rituals.
These included my inner feelings care processes-aka feeling ALL of the feelings in my emotional family-and tending to each of them. I then began to eat foods more medicinally, juicing fresh vegetables, receiving constitutional homeopathy, Japanese acupuncture and other forms of healing bodywork. I also asked friends and family to support my intention to let go of sugar.
It felt remarkable to be replacing the substance of sugar with the sweetness of loving myself and receiving so much love and support from others. I quickly began to feel the health benefits, both emotional and physical, as well.
Initially I grieved deeply the loss of what I felt that eating sugar had been giving to me. Grieving the physical loss of John was going on at the same time, during the 9 months I took care of him, and after he died March 5, 2016.
Now I feel so much continuous love and sweetness, and a steady, calm feeling almost all the time.
When I used to eat sugar, I felt jagged highs and lows, and an almost constant internal planning of when I would eat sugar again. And then there was the recovery from eating it. It feels so great to feel FREE from all of that. And David inspired me to create my own sign.
Occasionally I miss being able to have a bite of cake or a nibble of chocolate, and I usually take that as an indicator to drench myself with love, or eat a succulent piece of fruit.
I’ve sometimes wished I could eat and metabolize sugar easily. Yet it was empowering and validating when I had a complete physical 2 years ago and discovered that my body (and blood sugar) was predisposed to diabetes- and that my decision to let go of sugar was foundationally important to my continuing to experience ongoing good health.
For those who might wonder, I did lose weight when I let go of eating sugar, but not the amount I had always envisioned. I’m now discovering that there are other dietary changes I could make for that purpose- I’ll let you know if I make any along the way. I’m going very slowly these days, wildly enjoying (mostly) the body that I’m in. I’m living the life I’ve always dreamed of.
Meanwhile, instead of Hershey’s, I’ll get my kisses from myself, David, babies, dogs, cats and dear friends and relatives.
Oh, and nature’s beauty- always that.
The month of March now begins the 7th spiritual honeymoon for David & me, and I know there will be surprises, love, and creative gifts flowing for us both. May sweetness and vibrant health abound!
Let me know about your experiences with sugar, or about what you’re loving letting go of- so we can all support and inspire each other.