When my beloved fiancé John began to transition from his physical life in March of 2016,I asked him how I could possibly go on without him.
He said so radiantly to me,
“Oh Susan, you get happy- happier than you’ve ever been- and when love comes again, you go full speed ahead.”
And, as you keep reading, you’ll discover- and be inspired by- just how full speed ahead I’ve gone!
I knew it had been possible for him to experience another great love– he had met me 9 months after his beloved wife Jeanie transitioned. He said that they’d had the best marriage ever, and that in 10 years, the honeymoon had never ended.
This captured my attention, because I’d always wanted a real life unending honeymoon with a partner, and John and I definitely experienced that for the almost 4 years we were together. Then John suddenly got sick and began to die.
I felt incredulous that this could be happening, and devastated beyond imagining. It had been one of my greatest fears that if I ever truly loved someone, what would happen to me if they just died?
What actually happened, in addition to the devastation, was that I received so many gifts and so much awareness about the gifts of death (which spells GOD;-) and that I know now that love never dies. One of my greatest fears started transforming into one of my greatest gifts.
John chose to experience his illness as a profound guide and teacher, and of course, also navigated his own panoply of feelings about physically leaving. We came up with a plan that he would communicate with me after he left, so that I would really know that it was “him.”
It was an excruciating and beautifull journey we took for 9 months, and I was his primary caregiver. I learned so much about unconditionally loving during that time, and all the ways I resist loving. When John left, I didn’t see how I could ever recover.
John almost immediately began voluminously communicating with me from beyond the physical realm, and teaching me even more about love,and about life, and how there is no “death” the way we’re taught to think about it.
I’m writing all about these teachings in a new book called
Living Wonderfull: The Surprising Gifts of Terrible Things*
*and how to alchemize it all
And of course I’ll be sharing it with you when it’s ready!
And his leaving caused me to “grieve deeply and live wildly”over these past 2 1/2 years, and see if I could allow another great love to come into my life. John assured me from the afterlife that I would.
In May, I wrote and shared a post called “I’m Dating the World,” and here are some excerpts from it, because it’s relevant to what happened next:
“I’m enjoying responding with “I’m dating the world” when people ask me if I’m dating these days… I experienced a brief period of time last year when I was dating wonderfull men, and discovered that I wasn’t ready for more.
I’m reawakening my romantic heart slowly and more deliberately now. I’m allowing it to drip like honey. I’m trusting divine timing more than ever before.
Here I am on my birthday, drenched in love and fresh strawberries & whipped cream made by dear friends.
For me, dating the world is about reading all the poetry in my house while lying down and upside down in various spots of sunshine, and it’s about lying down in bright green grass watching flowers wave to me.
Dating the world means that I see love everywhere that I can – especially when it doesn’t look so good. It means that I blend and alchemize the wonderfull and terrible into a brand new mixture I can use more easily and then offer in healing to myself and the world…
Dating the world means that I’m never without company and rarely lonely. It means being completely surrounded with everything all-ways and practicing allowing more love IN than EVER.
Sending that love to you RIGHT NOW.”
Love Comes Again
Over 25 years ago, I created my Inspiration Line- a free phone line where I record an uplifting, depthfull message that people can call and listen to 24/7. I read poetry, sing songs and share from my heart. Many thousands of people leave messages, sharing their hearts and thoughts with me, in response to reading my books, taking one of my programs, or hearing my message. I’ve had the privilege of listening to what feels like the collective consciousness for all these years.
On May 20, I received an inspiring message on my Inspiration Line from a man responding to my email and post about dating the world. His voice was filled with love and joy, and although he made me laugh, his message also deeply touched my heart.
“Oh my God, I love you so much. I just love the letter you sent out about dating the world. That’s how I live too! And- it’s just so beautiful to recognize someone on the same frequency, you know? And female- just loving the world like that, thank you.
I’ve been listening to these messages for a lot of years and just loving it. And I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate it, and how much I love you for doing this.
(And then in one breath he exclaimed:)
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!
(And then he paused and asked:)
Is this too much?
(Then his message continued with the same passion)
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you!Thank you for everything. My name is David, and I’m just sending you lots of love.If you ever want to call or text here’s my number. I just so appreciate you and I’m just loving your heart right now. Thank you, take care, bye.”
I definitely felt highly intrigued by hearing his message, and excited that he might actually be living in my kind of frequency. I intuitively sensed his passion and joy, and I heard his not wanting anything, but just wanting to give me love and appreciation- and I called him back the next day. We immediately and profoundly connected with each other.
I quickly found him to be grounded, and as creatively prolific as me(!) and extremely funny and not at all normal- which for me, is an essential quality. He also had a lot of emotional intelligence and awareness and we began sharing everything about our lives. We were excited to discover that we shared incredibly similar ways of seeing the world and shockingly similar interests.
We spoke for many hours at a time and were both continually amazed by how deeply we connected in our talks. We began exploring ways we might relate with each other in the world.
Mostly we laughed together- sometimes for many minutes without a subject. I can honestly say that in these months since May, I’ve laughed harder than I’ve laughed at any other time of my life. It became more and more clear that we wanted to be together in some form.
We’ve been experiencing a quantum love union since then, and only through hundreds of hours of talking by telephone, and using other methods like sending audio notes, texts, photos, videos, and learning about each other while having no physical contact.
We were so glad to discover that we could connect so deeply soul to soul while being on opposite coasts of the country.
We briefly saw each other twice by video after months of talking, and it was immediately obvious to me that everything I wanted was there. Then we went right back to the particular intimacy of our phone calls.
I’ve always loved communicating on the phone, and so has David, and our love grew exponentially as we talked.
And we didn’t just talk…
We prayed, meditated, shared “micro truths” and explored our shadows and vulnerabilities together. We learned about and celebrated our uncanny commonalities and- uncommon differences. We started supporting each other in all areas of our lives and with our creative projects.
We created a foundational basis of trust and then became lovers too.Some would describe it as phone sex, which it certainly was, but it was much more. It was also soul level love making, and it allowed me to access profound orgasmic experiences that reached parts of my being that hadn’t been reached before.
My dear friend Amy pointed out to me that I fell in love with John on the physical level, and then he taught me about loving in the non physical realms. And that with David it was the opposite: I began loving him from the non-physical realms and then moved to the physical.
It’s all been PHENOMENALLY fantastic and also unusual for me to not share publicly. All of my books contain my personal life stories that are also universal. As you may know, I haven’t ever held back from sharing intimately, and this new love was bringing out new vulnerabilities, so I decided to go slowly with sharing.
David had also assessed that I had guards protecting my heart from previous traumas, and said;“I’m committed to your taking the time to feel as safe as you’ve ever felt with another person before you share your experiences publicly.”
He said he would help me to love and soothe those guards, and to love my shy self as much as my other aspects, and this touched me deeply, as I’d not had someone attend to my shy self like this before.
I decided to see what it felt like to really live in the experience before I started sharing it publicly, and it has felt immersive, tender and intimate.
David studied me, so he could love me better and help me feel safer and happier. He discovered what specific words encouraged and inspired me, and he learned who all my close friends are (and I have many!) and what I loved specifically about each one of them.
I loved being “studied” like this– because this is what I do with people I’m close to- I’ve just never had it applied so lovingly and thoroughly to me before.
He told me one day, “I’m majoring in Susan Kennedy, and minoring in SARK.”
Even though he had called the Inspiration Line, he had never read a SARK book, so he didn’t know me in that way.I appreciated that there weren’t projections about me as “SARK” and that he took the time to really experience who I am in my private life.
I’m sharing this now because I feel safe and ready, and so that others can feel inspired by my real life love story!I’m so glad to share about alternative forms of relating and being in love relationships- whatever form they take.
Right after I began connecting with David, my beyond the physical fiancé John exclaimed immediately in my ear,
“I LOVE David!!!” And keeps exclaiming.
After my full summer of mentoring and leading retreats, David and I decided to physically meet for the first time at his lake home in Massachusetts on Sep 2.
We decided to give ourselves time alone, in a setting that supported our health and well being as well as our creativity. We wanted to give ourselves the best opportunity to thrive as lovers, artists, creators, healers, and friends.
We also decided that this first date would be like a spiritual honeymoon, and to just skip the wedding and go straight to the honeymoon. We’ve also decided as much as possible, to have an “all honeymoon” relationship. What this means to us, is that we are committed to loving as much as possible, no matter what form that love takes. We did decide to begin as monogamously romantic love partners.And so, I arranged a 2 week vacation from all of my work and flew to Boston to meet David in person for the first time on Sun/2 of September.
Stay tuned for part 2 of my real life love story and what actually happened when we met for our spiritual honeymoon- I’ll share soon;-)
Here’s an excerpt of what I initially posted about inviting you to vicariously travel along:
Here I am in one of my favorite spots in San Francisco, popping in with a happy halo + goodbye to you.
I’m about to be away for several weeks on an adventurous vacation and I’m inviting you to vicariously travel along, if you’re willing to not know where you’re going;-)
I’ll be sharing later about my adventures, and let you know where we went!
So, for everyone who read that post and responded so enthusiastically, thank you for all your love – and now you know how adventurous this trip really was!
And for each person reading this now, I invite you to consider dating the world and opening your life more and more to the magic of love.
Because loving is the whole point.
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I traveled from my home in San Francisco to Boston to meet my new lover and soulmate David for the first time on Sep 2. He had called my Inspiration phone Line on May 20, and we began our love relationship for many months- only by telephone.
We had decided that our first “date” would be a 2 week spiritual honeymoon- that we would skip the wedding and go straight to the honeymoon and have an “all honeymoon” relationship as much as possible- which includes ALL of our feelings, in this marvelous messy middle place called life.
I believe that there are always angels all around, and I met two of them the moment I sat down in my seat on the plane. Sandy & Bob have been married 56 years, and were seated right next to me.
I shared everything with Sandy about how David and I met, and my nervousness and excitement about meeting him in person for the first time, and about how it was newly dawning on me that our first date would also be two weeks of living together! Then her husband Bob joined in to our wildly intimate conversation.
Sandy and I spontaneously hugged many times and cried together too. The three of us bonded on all sorts of subjects, and I felt that they were helping to deliver me to my new life experience-on the first leg of their trip to Ireland.
After I got off the plane I called David, and he was in baggage claim waiting for me. A few moments later, I descended on the escalator and saw him right away.
It felt like my heart actually leapt toward him. We swooned into each other’s arms and embraced while we laughed and said “I love you” and just stayed that way as a mob of people seeking their luggage kept squeezing past us- and we couldn’t stop swooning.
Here we are together for the first time, about 5 minutes after we met.
We both felt like we were intoxicated- and I’m sure we were- but we somehow got the luggage and made it to the car for the drive to his home.
David had prepared his lake home as our honeymoon suite, by asking me in advance for a specific list of all of my favorite foods, favorite sheets, towels, scents and everything he could think of so I would feel exquisitely at home.He’d even stocked the refrigerator with all my favorite organic fruits and vegetables.
We’d planned that I’d have my own bedroom. He also offered to rent me a car and let me know about hiking trails nearby. We had discussed having together time and separate time, as we’re both writers and creators who appreciate that, and wanted to create our honeymoon to also be a creative retreat.
He’d replaced the chlorinated water in his hot tub with Bromine, and ordered my favorite enlightened board game- the Transformation Game- so we could play together.The stage was set for 2 weeks together without work, for 2 souls to truly commune.
And he hadn’t only readied his home for me, he’d readied his soul. We’d both been getting ourselves ready to meet, by practicing being and living the kind of love we’d always wanted.
He had written love letters in his journal to his soulmate several years before, as if they were already together. He also wrote beautiful love letters from his soulmate to him. Those letters sounded as if I had actually written them- the letters to him, were my letters- same spellings, and intonations. It is truly uncanny.
He made a series of audios to give to his soulmate when she arrived, and I’ve received the first one- which is remarkable- it’s him, talking intimately and deeply to me- years before meeting me.
All of these experiences showed me his commitment to experience and express love, and inspired me deeply to do the same. After John left, I wasn’t sure that I could open my heart so intimately again, and his willingness to do so, caused me and my heart to bloom forward hugely.
I’d brought him gifts of bright markers-he’s a writer and artist of life who creates and puts up colorfull signs of affirmation in his home, and writes them in neon markers on his windows and mirrors to help him embody positive uplifting messages.
He even put signs on each stair leading up to the second floor, which he calls the “stairway to heaven.”As he ascends the stairway he takes in each truth one stair at a time- and also has signs facing the other way, so he can read those going down!
I’d also brought one of my favorite children’s books to read together and one of my divination card decks to play with.
As marvelous as all of our time on the phone had been, the physical was- after some adjustment to actually being physical- even better.
And yes to the holy in person orgasms! And breakfast in bed, canoeing, hiking, hot tubbing on the deck, long talking and SO MUCH LAUGHING and creating.
We floated around together in a kind of earthly honeymoon heaven for a day or two, and then descended right into what I describe as a transformational cauldron- in the form of his being triggered by some business things, and withdrawing and becoming distant.
We didn’t seem able to talk about things in a way that we always had before. I felt uncomfortable and like he needed space. I also felt alone in a way that caused me to begin thinking of leaving. That then triggered all sorts of other things for us both, and we found ourselves floundering.
Thankfully our foundational basis of trust had been established over the phone for the past few months. So we shared “microtruthfully” about our experiences and feelings- first on the phone, from separate bedrooms – and then on a long hike through the woods- as we navigated the form and ways of communicating we wanted our relationship to take.
Of course this is the highly abbreviated version here- it felt at the time challenging, scary and not at all easy.
We agreed that I would stay, and that we would continue on our spiritual honeymoon, and that of course “transformationalcauldrons” are part of that.
We settled into an easy new rhythm of writing in the mornings- and not seeing each other until lunch- which gave us both nourishing time for ourselves.
We then took a hike in nature together, and had plenty of time for lovemaking, cooking, playing, laughing, being- with plenty of both solitude and togetherness- my favorite combination, and David’s favorite too.
We continued sharing vulnerabilities and microtruths, and established even deeper intimacies.
My last love relationship with John had been like the best of being soulfully single- only better- and I knew I wanted that, or better with David. We created our version of that in this beginning of our time together, and recommitted to bringing ALL of ourselves to the relationship, and working through whatever comes up together- this is the “real life love story” part.
It’s also a commitment to use all of our feelings to create even more intimacy, which John & I wrote about in our amazing book, Succulent Wild Love.
I very reluctantly went home after 2 weeks as planned. During our month apart, we felt closer than ever, and I’ve now returned to his lake house for another 2 week visit (our second honeymoon!).
I’m also going to meet his parents and more of his family, while we continue our creative retreat- writing together and separately.
He’d like to move back to California soon, and the San Francisco Bay Area is looking really good to him- and to me. Amazingly, he had thought about moving back before he met me, and he also has family and friends in the area.
Who knows what forms and shapes love will take?
I’ve wondered about writing and sharing all of this publicly, just in case we don’t stay together in the same form we started with- as if that’s some kind of measure of “success.” I then reminded myself that the true success for us all is that love comes again, no matter what the form or length of time.
I also want to inspire those who wish to explore romantic- or other kinds- of love with another soul, to consider going inward, outward, forward in new ways, and take risks for, and with love.
David and I are committed to living the “all honeymoon life” together as much as possible, and that includes ALL of it- the marvelous, and not so marvelous, messy middle- and alchemizing the terrible and wonderfull things into a brand new healing mixture for ourselves and for the world.
I’m so glad and gratefull for every moment of love coming again, and plan to be as present as I can for all of its messy magnificence.
And of course I’m writing all about it, and will share my new book when it’s ready. It’s called:
Living Wonderfull: The Surprising Gifts of Terrible Things*
*and how to alchemize it all
Thank you all for traveling along and compassionatelywitnessing and celebrating my experience and being in my life!
I’ll be writing and sharing more of my love adventures too– let me know if you’d like to read them, and what parts have inspired you the most.
Here is my Inspiration Line number, which is free to call 24 hours a day, for the last 25 + years, at 415 546 3742.
I invite you to share this number with anyone who you feel would benefit from hearing it.
Subscribe To Receive SARKS: Printable MAGICAL MAP ACTIVATOR + KEY
The EASY way to magically bring you back to creative focus, over and over again!
Add your name & email to download the Printable PDF. You’ll also receive SARK’s weekly Living Inspired Today letter!
At the beginning of this healing journey, I started sharing with a small group of close friends & family on a private blogging site. Below is part of one of the first posts that I wrote… from it our group began calling themselves Team Velveteen, thanks to our friend Marney, who named us that. And in that sense, we are all “Team Velveteen” for and with each other.
It’s a lovely reminder that it’s love that makes all things REAL and it’s love that moves us through the difficult times – and love that lifts us beyond the ordinary and into the extraordinary.
And love is restoring John as he transforms his health, gains weight and nourishes himself from the inside out. He is healing, and we are both finding the joy within the challenges of this too- with love.
Let REAL love be your pathway today and all days.
Love, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (aka SARK)
July 15 2015 Our beautifull John, is temporarily different in appearance, having lost almost 50 pounds, and we are embodying the Velveteen Rabbit philosophy- see below.
EXCERPT FROM THE VELVETEEN RABBIT ~ By Margery Williams ~
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but Really loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get all loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
I have a whole new perspective on life these days. I’ve realized I can create new perspectives about anything – any communication, any conversation, any confrontation – because nothing can feel as bad as first hearing my beloved partner John’s cancer diagnosis.
It was the ultimate “bad news” for me. And yet, it has also been, and continues to be, one of the richest fields for healing, transformation, upliftment, and creation. And as John heals and transforms this experience, it continues to multiply the goodness.
I’m amazed as the good that has arisen as well. Absolutely amazed.
Like our LoveBoat campaign – now in its final week. What was started as a contribution to us has expanded to be a contribution to the hundreds who have received the beautifull, inspired, and discounted gifts and programs available as “perks”.
I invite you to look today and see if what you want and have been desiring is available to you for at a very special – and healing – discount.
I also want to share a couple of my journal entries from the private update site that John & I both have used throughout this journey to update our close friends & family. May these empower your healing journey… whether it be one of big healing, or the “ordinary” healing we all need every day.
Let all the healing continue and expand…
From August 21st – Musical Tumors
John has concluded the 3rd round of chemo- he’s temporarily in an unreachable part of his mountain climb- the regrouping period where he goes deep & doesn’t communicate. This is one of the hardest times for me- because I can’t help him in my familiar ways.
Of course I know I help him with my presence and my love, but when I can’t communicate “as usual,” I can tend to freak out. So I’m communicating about it here and in the telepathic realms.
Also, he had an ultrasound and the results came back yesterday, one tumor has shrunk, another has grown slightly, and another one is making itself known. I’m being deliberately less specific here for John’s privacy and to provide spaciousness for the organs involved. I wanted to let you all know here in a way that feels most supportive to me/us & this is what I came up with.
I decided to call these “musical tumors,” much like musical chairs- because I know that they change all the time. And I like putting words together that don’t aren’t usually seen together:-)
We will meet with his oncologist Caroline, about her recommendations after the 4th chemo in 2 weeks. There will be a CT scan with more information then too.
Meanwhile, I’ve spoken with a medical advisor about the results of this ultrasound “snapshot in time,” and creating more spaciousness for the unknown- and how the standard medical model generally believes that tumors grow & kill people, and that John & I and most of us here (I say most because we don’t all need to believe the same things to support each other) generally believe that tumors can shrink and go away and teach people something they wanted to learn. And that people can be healthier as a result.
Still, it feels really scary and uncertain and vulnerable in the middle. I’m experiencing extreme vulnerability in the midst of this, and am trusting more than ever in sharing about it all along the way. I’m/we’re receiving so many gifts and blessings in so many forms. We are both so glad to share our experience here. Your comments, compassionate witnessing, love and presence really help. Thank you.
From August 22nd – Turning Towards Love
When I first wrote about the “musical tumors” and my feelings of extreme vulnerability, I had no hopes of easing the monumental pain and fear I was experiencing.
Writing about my feelings helped me to express them, and then feel them.
Being seen, known and loved through reading and feeling your exquisite comments helped me to shift from the temporary abyss I felt I was in. I literally felt your words lift me up and out. Thank you.
And those of you who call, text or show up- it means the world. And if you’re one of the beloved souls reading & witnessing us here, I feel those mighty waves of love too.
There is so much space for all of us to be how & who we truly are.
John emerged from the caverns yesterday and was glowing in his bed and sharing the insights he has gained from the experience.
His tiny semi private room had been transformed by the absence of a roommate, who had been moved out to another larger room, and John was able to have the door closed and the lights out, and rest deeply. I had asked the nurse the night before if this would be possible, and it was. Another reminder to ask with love and no attachment, and see what comes.
The plan now is for John to come home tonight! I’ve loaded in the food & the flowers and the love.
We will both provide the ongoing love, joyfull solutions and feelings expressions in this new situation and environment of our familiar home.
We are both so uplifted with everything that you share. You can post comments here, and you can also call the Inspiration Line at 415 546 3742. I regularly and joyfully listen to those messages and receive your love and wisdom~ thank you.
When I created my new healing blanket, I never imagined that my beloved fiancé & co-author Dr. John Waddell would be underneath it, healing from stage 4 cancer. He has much to share about his miraculous and ordinary healing process.
I know that healing happens in spirals and layers, rather than steps on a ladder. My process with this has been one of experiencing my biggest fear as my greatest blessing and sharing about that. Carl Jung said, “The Gods visit us through illness.” Healing is non linear.
And so we all travel the layers and spirals in our various ways. When our friends Shiloh, Dori, Amy and Michon created an indiegogo campaign called the Loveboat, I never imagined that we would be the recipients of this kind of giving. I’ve always been on the other side of the campaigns. Plus, so many people have donated incredible goods and services to support us also. We are so gratefull.
When I wrote the foreword for Shiloh’s book, Heart of the Visionary, I didn’t imagine that she would invite us some years later to her Livestream Salon to do a live video teaching, healing raising, transformational event like the one we are doing this Friday. And she did, so kindly, so intuitively and also donated her time & studio & equipment.
When we think of interior design, we generally think of decorating. But what about the “furniture of your mind?” Often we keep the furniture the same inside our heads, and then feel like life isn’t new, exciting or creative.
Most people would like to feel creatively alive and awake more often, and most people benefit from creative support and community in order to do so.
There’s a fabulous community right now just waiting for you and your creative gifts. Especially if you’ve procrastinated or quit or decided that your dreams probably don’t matter.
They DO matter. And in the right conditions, your dreams and ideas can be made REAL, really quickly. It’s right here& it’s all for you.
I created this little tableau in our kitchen- and then noticed that it was time to refresh the writing on the wall and perhaps place a little succulent there in honor of growth.
Today I peered down to see 2 tiny hearts on the edge of the counter! I asked John if he had put them there- he had not.
I had not.
No one else had been over. Clearly, we live with angels.
Photo of the mysterious hearts that appeared
Since my fiancé, co-author and co-teacher John was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in July, I’ve been extremely aware of angels, and of our power to create what we desire more than ever.
I don’t believe that I had a desire for John to have stage 4 cancer- I do believe that we can create in any conditions, and John and I both are.
We are both writing about our experiences and teaching in our virtual writing reTREAT the weekend of Sep. 18-20 (sshhh- the 18th is also John’s birthday!) It will be a life expanding weekend and you can sign up here.
HeartFULLY, SARK (and all the SARKangels;-)
p.s. – Yes, you will discover how to create in any conditions during this magical & heart-expanding weekend. Find your spot HERE.
Thank you all everlastingly for your kind & nourishing comments to John & I after my fiancé & co-author John’s recent health diagnosis & challenge. And for continuing to follow and inspire our journey.
You can read about that here if you don’t know about it. And thank you for your support for the Loveboatsupporting us-it is very very much appreciated and it’s still going on!
John is home and healing now, with many more unknowns and major things to navigate. What a wild and mysterious land. I and we, have learned and experienced so much throughout this experience.
Death coming so close is a great inspiration, and a powerfull guide. We’re both writing a lot about it too- which we’ll be sharing along the way.
It feels like the prospect of death turned everything inside out and upside down. I’ve found out that upside down love is just as good;-)
So many of my fears about this kind of thing ever happening are being transformed.
It causes me to wonder how many other fears I’ve lived with and haven’t explored, and given so much power to.
I’m definitely learning how to be a love warrior more often, instead of a worrier most of the time.
A few other things I’ve learned and am learning from this experience that you might wish to utilize in your life;
Caregiving of any kind without considerable self love practices in place is dangerous to ones well-being
All feelings want to be heard and noticed- especially including the “unattractive” ones like guilt, rage, frustration and hopelessness
The way to practice more receiving is to say “I accept” before your ego can decide it’s “too much” to accept
Angels and other entities and animal spirits will appear to offer support and joy- allow and notice them
As John & I navigate these new conditions, we are also releasing our new book on schedule this fall, and we’ll be inviting you to participate in a variety of ways. More about that in upcoming posts and emails.
I am also offering a virtual writing reTREAT the weekend of Sep 18-20, which takes place on the phone and Internet, and inviting YOU to join me. I guarantee adventure + expansion. You can find out all about it & sign uphere.
We did this reTREAT before, in June, and it caused so much writing and creating to be started, continued or completed in new FUN ways, that we simply had to do another.
Thank you all SO MUCH for your responses, insights, intuitions, wise words and overall outpouring of LOVE, for me and for my beloved John.
Thank you forever for your very generous contributions to ourLoveboat, which is helping everything stay afloat. We are so honored by all the creative gifts being offered, and so incredibly blessed by everyone helping.
I read and reread your words, letting them fill all the spaces that fears and worries were trying to occupy:-) Please know how much your love and care matters. There are so many miracles, and so much healing is occurring. John and I are astounded by love and surrounded with support- thank you.
On this very day, 3 years ago, John said,
“I want you to know that I’m qualified to adore you.”
And he was, and he is.
I found out that I was also qualified to adore him!
Love flows through us, between us and fills us up to overflowing, and we share it everywhere that we can. And we are learning how to share more.
We had planned to be on Martha’s Vineyard for this third anniversary, having located a cottage near the sea.
Instead, John is receiving his third Kimo, in a hospital near the bay.
And even though it’s not what we planned, it is welcome.
I feel like I Married Adventure (wonderfull title of a book from 1940 about the lives of Osa & Martin Johnson.) and that there are more adventures for us, and that this is just one of them.
Seeing John in his lavender t-shirt by the bay, near a window with a view, kissing and laughing together, we could be anywhere.
The fact that there are cords and tubes in his arm seems incidental, and not so unusual since he’s known as “the cord guy,” who has every conceivable electronic device cord:-)
He’s likely to come home for the first time since this whole journey began, on Saturday or Sunday, and our home is thoroughly clean, and will be stocked with fresh food, fruit and flowers.
And LOVE. Lots of love.
Love to flow through the windows and the rooms and the air that we breathe.
Love to heal & mend and uplift. Love to give and receive JOY.
Love to be in the room when fear and uncertainty come to visit, and love to help them on their way.
Love to surprise and delight and remind us of our true purposes.
Love to whisper kind words when each of us experiences impatience.
Love when we wonder why we’re here, and love all around for every little thing.
Love for the new sprouts of awareness and for the giant redwoods of knowing.
Love for the waiting, the tending, the driving, the doing, and the creating of new joyfull solutions.
Love for the brand new paths and the old familiar routes. Love whenever we doubt.
Love trumps fear, and may we practice avidly.
Love, Susan (aka SARK) and John (aka John;-)
p.s.– so many people are practicing Love on our behalf too. You can see all the wonderful love offerings here – and it is all so very, very helpful!
When I used to dream of experiencing true love with another person, I used to experience my biggest fear also. What if I finally found that person and then they died?
To me, this would be the greatest irony, and biggest challenge ever. My most beloved partner and lover and fiancé John and I celebrate our 3 year anniversary this month.
We are also now experiencing a tremendous challenge, and I am experiencing my greatest fear, in the form of John just being diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic colon cancer. This came “out of the blue” as so many things do, and when I heard the diagnosis, I truly felt as if I’d been shot in the heart.
John has always experienced exceptional health, and I felt certain that we’d have a very long and happy & healthy life together. In fact I’d planned on it, which didn’t account for my greatest fear at all. I thought I’d be writing to you about our new wedding date.
Here we are at our engagement party in November- John was moving at the “speed of love;-)”
Life with John has been and is, the happiest time of my entire life.
You may know that we also wrote a book together, which was completed the day before he went into the hospital.
It is a book about love and relationships, called Succulent Wild Love: Six Powerful Habits for Feeling More Love More Often. It’s a whole new philosophy of love and relationships for everyone, including loving yourself perhaps more deeply than you ever have.
We are now living those 6 habits in this situation too- feeling all the love in the world, and practicing the principles, in the face of this most challenging diagnosis. The book will be out this fall.
I’m choosing to share this personal health news with you now, because I have always shared my real life in my books and in my blog posts, and because I know that sharing what hurts is what helps- not only John and me, but everyone.
We are all experiencing our biggest fears, in one form or another, in this human life. And of course many people are experiencing, or have experienced, far worse. And we are not meant to do it all alone.
Our friend Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen sat by me in the hospital during the first horrifying days, and shared some of her own stories of medical challenges, and said, “There is a tremendous power in this diagnosis.”
I didn’t know exactly what she meant then, but I do now.
The power is in the fact that I’ve not ever felt or experienced more love- there are so many miracles and so much love to share- through this experience too.
The power is that I’ve begun a life review that is deeper and more fearless than I’ve ever experienced- I’ll be sharing all about this in my blog posts.
The power is that I’m more certain of the presence of angels, miracles and my inner wise self than ever before- and the evidence is immense.
I do wish that it wasn’t through this route. I do not want John to die. I really really really to infinity do not want John to die. If John dies from this, I am not sure what will become of me and my heart. A secondary fear is that John would live, but live a significantly diminished life due to health circumstances, and that I would not know how to go on with that either.
I do know that I intend to go on with deep love, uncommon faith and indelible trust. I am doing everything I know to experience love through every possible channel, through this too.
And that is my greatest blessing– to be present for whatever happens- including the possibility of his healing and living! I want to be present for every moment that I can.
All my “what ifs” or doctors’ opinions cannot predict what will happen, and I am learning to create “spaciousness in the uncertainty” instead of rehearsing tragedy, as my friend Lissa reminded me the other day, as we discussed Brene Brown’s books.
I am receiving so much love and practicing exquisite self care more than EVER. I am working with healers, body workers and angelic guides. I am also receiving more than ever, saying multiple times daily, “I accept” to everything offered.
Here’s my most beloved fiancé John
As for John, he’s deeply engaged in the power of this diagnosis, doing his inner and outer healing, with the help and wisdom of the seen and unseen.And with the help of his medical team and his inner work, there are already positive physical changes.
He has a fantastic holistic doctor, oncologist, healer, and belief in the Law of Attraction, which is his profound world view that like attracts like, and that he creates his own reality. I am fully aware that this is not everyone’s view.
John is writing about what’s happening and his experiences too, and has profound insights about healing to share.
John is taking 100% responsibility for his cancer experience- not in a way of blaming himself or anyone, including the cancer, instead in a way of understanding the factors that helped create the conditions for cancer to grow and take shape.
In this way, John is not “fighting” the cancer. Rather, he is seeing this event as a teacher and as a profound guide.
If this is not your world view, I completely respect that. I want to share what John’s world view is, so that you can understand more of my experience, and can offer us your love and support in a more informed way, if you wish. We don’t need to agree on every belief in order to share that. Also, I want to say that when I first heard the diagnosis, I hated the law of attraction. And now I am reminded that it is like hating gravity.
What you can do to help, is to envision John and me as powerfull creators, surrounded by love and fully engaged in healing. You can also help by being fully present for your own life, and sharing the blessings of that life.
Friends and supporters are putting together some practical and innovative ways for you to help also, which you can find here. We appreciate this so much.
I’ve learned what doesn’t help- even if well meaning: pity, believing that either of us are victims, misunderstanding John or his world view, stories about people who thought similarly and died anyway, drastic miracle cures, recommendations about what to eat or do, and how to heal based on other people’s experiences.
Everyone’s experience with cancer- or with anything, is as different and similar as we are as people. We will most benefit from your sharing your love, in whatever form that takes.
We completely welcome you and your world view and experience. I’m just not up for discussing any differences. I’ve always said about John that he truly lives what he teaches, and he truly does, in the terrifying face of this too.
He intends to live and love and learn from his cancer, and teach the principles and philosophy from our book, travel the world and illuminate lives. He is a student in this new health realm, and he is definitely doing his homework. He is open to love in every and all forms, and gratefull for what is to come, whatever that is. He feels that he is climbing a mountain and learning from it all.
I am welcoming and receiving your love, wisdom, grace and gladness, prayers, energy and presence. I am feeling periodically profoundly devastated and writing about that too. I am continuing to live my purpose, which is to be a transformer, uplifter and laser beam of love. I’m reading and learning from some tremendous books during this time, which I’ll be sharing along the way in my blog.
Thank you for compassionately witnessing me/us at this time, and for extending your loving kindness and care. Your presence matters and I/we appreciate it. If you feel moved to write a note here, I’ll read what you share. If there’s a message for John specifically, I’ll read that to him.
If you want to voice your love, you can call me at 415.546.3742. This is the Inspiration Line, which I’ve operated for over 20 years, and it has all-ways deeply inspired me too.
I’m writing and alchemizing throughout this journey and also welcome your support by your reading. My intention is to build “caring bridges” between us all, for all of our challenges and for our gifts, and finding and experiencing the moments of grace and growth everywhere. Love, Susan (and John)
Here’s one I recently wrote to our friends and family:
John’s mountain climbing journey is so changeable and fast moving.
In one moment we’re kissing & John is dreaming of eating pizza, the next moment we’re hearing about tumors on his liver and what chemo can actually do, and not do, and how he’ll need to do at least 3 months of it, in order to know anything. In another moment, his doctor, Paul, is saying that we can ultrasound the liver to see the effects of the chemo much sooner than 3 months.
The next moment his doctor is presenting holistic options that can work synergistically with the chemo, and John is meeting with a healer on the phone who is helping him a great deal.
The next moment, I am hiking straight up a mountain in an attempt to integrate all of this, and I am wondering about chemotherapy, and wondering about John’s best path, and then I notice I am on a path, and there is a big white dog running straight towards me.
A woman calls out, “Don’t worry! She’s just coming to give you love.” And the big white dog did just that. I asked the dogs name and the woman cheerfully said “Chemo!” And I shook my head, startled and asked her how she spelled that. And she said “K. I. M. O.”
And so, I am sharing all the pieces and parts, and you all continually reassure me that you can hold it, see it, witness it, and I believe you.
This whole process and outcome is truly unknown and moves at the speed of love- which is always the case for all of us anyway, and especially right now for John.
And so we live in our moments. Our friend Karin sent us this quote today: “Let me fall. If I must fall. The one I will become will catch me.” The Baal Shem Tov.